As I’ve mentioned while writing about our family size, my husband and I haven’t always had an openness to becoming a large family.
I know that for me, there were times I had some definite ideas of when I would stop having children. Past 30? No thanks.
But God does have a way of gently and patiently teaching us as we go through life, and that’s certainly been true in this journey of having children.
Looking back on the journey and seeing how my heart has changed towards babies, birth control, and what our family size should be, I can see some distinct thoughts that I held over time. And those thoughts changed depending on what I was learning and experiencing at the moment.
Today I’m sharing that journey with you, and perhaps you’ll be able to relate to different stages of my journey.
Our Engagement, the Pill, and a Change in Plans
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When my husband and I decided to get married young and while still in college, it only seemed logical that we use the Pill. I had a year and a half of school to finish, and he a year. The Pill would allow us to prevent a pregnancy so we could both graduate and have time just to ourselves.
Then while on campus, a pro-life group was passing out booklets. I grabbed one, happy to look through it as a pro-life person myself.
I was shocked to see information about hormonal contraception’s potential abortifacient action included in the booklet. I didn’t want to believe it. That bit of information really got in the way of our plans!
I did a little research and pulled out the package insert from the pack of pills waiting in my dorm room. I read the fine print. There it was. The third action of hormonal contraception makes the lining of the uterus thin and less hospitable to implantation of a fertilized egg, should a woman ovulate and conceive while on the pill. It was right there for me to read.
(I highly recommend Does the Birth Control Pill Cause Abortions? by Randy Alcorn if you’re interested in learning more. You can get his book for free (digital copy) or only $3 (print copy) from his website here, and it’s also available on Kindle. A summary of the information is here.)
I knew that I couldn’t live with that risk, no matter how small it might be. A new life, in my mind, began at conception, and I would never do anything that could potentially destroy it. Jesse agreed. I’ve since learned about potential health risks with hormonal contraception (here, here, here, and here), making me extra thankful that we skipped it.
Though we didn’t know where to turn and were told that the only natural alternative was the unreliable Rhythm Method, we eventually learned about Natural Family Planning and Fertility Awareness through the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. We decided to use that method to delay pregnancy until we could graduate.
A Hard, Tired Heart After Two
Eventually our first came along, earlier than we planned, but right in God’s time. As soon as she started crawling at 8 months, I felt like I needed another baby!
Our son was added to our family when Miss L had just turned two. I soon started to experience the big challenge of having a baby and an older toddler in the house.
We were also going through a lot of personal changes. My husband was working full time, finishing his master’s degree, and had started pastoring the new church we just began. I often felt like I was parenting alone, and the stress started to get to me.
By the time Mr. M was three months old, I said I was done. It just felt like motherhood cost too much, and I was ready to move on from the baby days. Jesse never seemed to feel the same, though.
Eventually some things changed. We started doing dates when we could, I felt less alone, and the thought of a new baby seemed like a pleasant one again. Soon Miss A joined our family.
When Seeds of Change Were Planted
Some time later, while listening to an afternoon radio program I enjoyed, the host mentioned having nine children. I was shocked! He said mildly and in passing that he and his wife felt that if they were going to let Jesus be the Lord of all, He’d be Lord of all.
I had never heard anything like that before, and it really planted some questions in my mind. I suddenly had this occasional, though returning, thought:
Why couldn’t I trust God with my fertility when I am so healthy and have relatively easy pregnancies and deliveries?
Later, when our third girl was a young toddler, our family was going through a rough round of a stomach virus. Someone had been sick off and on for three weeks, and I was so exhausted from the laundry, clean up, and everything else that goes into that type of illness.
Then I took a positive pregnancy test, and I cried. I knew my husband was tired and worn out, I felt exhausted from the sickness, and I just wasn’t certain if I felt ready to go through pregnancy again.
A week went by and we adjusted to the idea, and then I woke one night to find that I was losing the baby. Dealing with the devastation of miscarriage allowed the preciousness of children to be more firmly rooted in my heart.
Sometime later I read a book called Be Fruitful and Multiply. I wanted to better understand why some couples would feel led to trust their family size into God’s hand. After reading Scripture after Scripture after Scripture showing God’s heart for children, family, and increase, my heart was truly changed.
A Heart Open for Increase and Trusting for Direction
This whole journey really brought us to a place of having hearts open for increase. To me, when I read what the Bible says about families and children, I see increase celebrated and greatly desired.
I know that’s entirely against the loud messages in our culture and is not a popular view, but I simply feel convicted to take my cues for our family size from what I see in Scripture, and not in the world around me.
But I also know that I don’t have the answers for every family, and if someone were to tell me that the Lord told them they should stop having children after 2, who am I to say that He didn’t?
Similarly, I want to remain humble and open to whatever direction the Lord might want to lead us. I don’t have this topic all figured out, but I do want to fully trust it into the hands of the Lord.
Have your thoughts toward fertility and family planning ever changed?
Beth says
April 26, 2016 at 5:53 amI completely appreciate the perspective/conviction that you have regarding children being a blessing from God. I don’t believe family planning should be based on “convenience” or that we as Christians should just follow the cultural norm. I agree that trusting God with finances can also include the finances to have a large family. But I’m not quite ready to say that because God so obviously values children that there cannot or should not be any planning at all. I think that’s taking the logic a step beyond what the Bible does. Especially in regards to the mother and family (including the baby)’s health. I think that people in Bible-times were probably very aware of their bodies. The stories of Lot’s daughters, Tamar, and Leah come to mind. They chose to get pregnant (or not, in the case of Tamar’s brother-in-law) in one act. That makes me think they were probably quite aware of both how to and how NOT to get pregnant. With the exception of Leah the above examples would probably be seen as negative but still I believe, socially, the knowledge of family planning was there. Obviously children were valuable (to society and God) but that doesn’t mean they weren’t planned.
My other concern is that we give women at least the same physical consideration as we do animals. I realize this sounds crass, but if someone were going to breed a dog (in a kind and ethical manner) they probably wouldn’t breed her the first time she went into heat. They also would carefully watch her health as they continued to breed her, waiting if she suffered nutritionally or physically, and stopping once she was physically past her prime, even if she technically could breed again. Both for the sake of the mother and her puppies. Just as we wouldn’t encourage a 14 or 15 year old to marry and start having children because of her health it may not be best for all women to continue having children after a certain point in their lives. That “point” would differ greatly from woman to woman.
I definitely agree with your concerns with artificial birth control and our society’s view on the value of children. I would encourage women to follow your example: seek God’s face on the issue and be in accord with your husband (submitting to his leadership.) But I would say, especially to women who have health issues (even if they aren’t “life threatening”), that perhaps God will tell you to wait and to not feel guilty about that. Another option that I wish more Christian families would pursue is adoption, but that’s a whole ‘nother issue :).
I really appreciate your post and your openness and graciousness. I hope I came across the same way with my slightly different perspective. Also, maybe you should move :). Where I grew up 5 was not particularly unusual. Our family with 4 kids was “average” and I had lots of friends from larger families. This was a farming community :). Also, thank you for your website. I came across it today as I was looking into the Fit2b program – I’m pregnant with my 4th (but only second to make it past 11 weeks) and I need some fitness help. Thanks for your review and introduction to a new blog!
Kristen Smith says
April 26, 2016 at 12:31 pmHello and welcome, Beth! You certainly were very gracious in your wording. I appreciate that! I think we agree quite a bit, actually. This post in particular was sharing how the Lord dealt with my husband and I personally regarding our own views toward children and family size. It’s not intended to be advice for anyone else, though I hope it does encourage a positive view of children!
You might be interested in the two posts that came before this one, A Heart Open for Increase and Why My Hands Are Full But My Heart Is Open To More Children. They might give you a better understanding of my perspective. 🙂 There are certainly many variables that couples might consider when deciding how they will approach family size, but in general, I think the cultural norm is different from what I see reflected in the Bible. However, I could never and would never claim to know what is right for every family.
I’m so glad to hear you are looking into Fit2B! If I could, I’d make every single one of my lady friends a member. It’s so much more than just a fitness program, too! I can’t say enough about it.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Beth says
April 27, 2016 at 3:40 amThanks for your reply! I had read your other two articles. My comment was to primarily address the temptation that some might have to brush off your journey and convictions because they don’t have “easy pregnancies and deliveries” or they have other health issues. Or for those who previously have not had problems but are now facing problems and aren’t sure if having more is best that they can still follow the principles you exampled in your journey even if the outcome is different. Search the scriptures, seek God’s guidance, have accord with your husband, and as Paul says “be fully persuaded.” I feel that so often that people say “Well, I could never…. (have more than two kids, home school, etc.) because I can’t …..(handle it physically, emotionally, financially, etc.)” without asking God, “Do you want me to ___________ even though I ___________?” He might say no! But then you have searched the answer yourself before him. Or he might say “Yes, I do want you to __________ and I will give you what you need to overcome _________.”
Thanks for your other posts too. Your tone and graciousness is refreshing!
Kristen Smith says
April 28, 2016 at 11:39 amThanks, Beth!
Yes, for me, what was really convicting was knowing that I don’t have any health considerations to worry about. If anyone should be able to leave family planning in the hands of God, it should be me. But I never want to assume that I know what’s best for those that are facing health concerns or other serious issues that make pregnancy particularly difficult or even potentially dangerous. Much to consider and pray about! I like how you said it at the end of this comment. We definitely don’t want to limit the Lord by our short-sighted vision.
shelby says
April 19, 2016 at 11:11 pmI like this post! Me and my husband are a young couple with 3 boys. One would be 5 but he died due to being premature a 3 year old and 2 year old. I don’t like birth control but what if your in a situation where you need it for your sake? I have been getting baby fever here lately and I actually got off the implant due to side effects and got on the pill. My husband is the main provider for us and money is tight. I know that God said go and multiply but what if when you do it puts you in a deeper hole?? And also my health at risk? Should I feel bad about being on it? I feel torn between the two! I have had all c-sections and two premies. My husband I think mostly worries about not having enough money to provide for us all and also me losing my life. ( which I have came close to) so what do you do if your in that boat? I want to do what the Lord says but I don’t know what the right thing to do is.
Kristen Smith says
April 20, 2016 at 11:56 amHi there, Shelby. I don’t feel like I can give you advice on your specific situation without knowing more details, but there are some things to think about. Sometimes when the Lord puts something on our hearts or shows us something in His Word, we can’t see how things will work out now, but we just have to trust the Lord to provide. That is often the case with new babies when money is tight. A pattern we often see in the Bible is that God gives increase in family size first, then later supplies the means to care for the new additions. That happened to us with our first baby!
For health concerns, those are definitely serious things to consider. I can’t say whether or not it is wrong to delay a pregnancy to get in better health, but I do think it could be worthwhile to look at your past pregnancies and see if anything could be done to prevent those complications. Many times, improving overall health and really focusing on diet can improve a pregnancy and prevent complications. This isn’t the case every time, of course, but it’s worth asking your doctor or midwife, and maybe even getting other professional opinions. It’s definitely an area for lots of prayer, too!
Gennie says
April 17, 2016 at 10:38 pmThank you for your post. I remember when God changed my heart about being in control of my family size. I was doing a women’s bible study, Lies Women Believe, with some close friends. One of the lies was that children are a burden. The Bible says that children are a blessing and I remember thinking, “Who am I to deny God’s blessings?” We had been done, we had a girl and boy, 8 and 4. We were past babies. I made an appointment to get rid of my IUD.
Three months later we were thrilled to be pregnant. It was like my other pregnancies for the most part. I went for my 20 week ultrasound with plans to come home with pink or blue balloons to announce our newest addition. That wasn’t the Lord’s plan though. We couldn’t find out the gender. We did find out that our baby wouldn’t live. We were urged to abort. I carried my baby girl for 14 more longest, yet shortest weeks. I went into labor hoping and praying for a few moments with my daughter before she passed. That wasn’t the Lord’s plan either.
A few months later we were thrilled and terrified to be pregnant again. It was an extremely difficult pregnancy mentally. I wanted a girl. That wasn’t His plan. I am so proud now to have this baby boy. We made it because of the strength He gives. I’m not a strong enough person to make it through that. God does give us more than we can handle. If He didn’t, we wouldn’t need Him. I hope, in time, we’ll be given more blessings. Even though we have no room in our house and my hands are full. My heart is definitely open.
Kristen Smith says
April 19, 2016 at 9:14 amThank you for sharing your journey, Gennie! We’re definitely running out of room in our house, too. 🙂
I am so sorry you didn’t get those moments with your daughter. That must have been so heartbreaking, and I’m sure you still miss her.
ElizabethS says
March 4, 2016 at 5:45 pmThank you for being open, as I know it is a personal topic. Sometimes I feel that I am on the opposite journey to many here. I always wanted a big family, but certain factors have made that seem less realistic (while remaining pro-life). Sometimes I wonder if I would have more children by now if things had been different with my first. And I wonder how your story would be different if you didn’t have “relatively easy pregnancies and deliveries.” However, I have also come across example of Christian women who have very difficult pregnancies and still have 5 or more children. At any rate, I think something we all have to learn is how to trust our husband as the leader. I had to trust God to make my husband open to more children (while for some it is the opposite). Eventually we did decide to have more. Even though I mourn the loss of my fantasy big family, I don’t feel convicted that I lacked faith when I planned my pregnancies pretty carefully. But I definitely believe that God would have taken care of us in the event of a surprise pregnancy, and we would have received that baby gladly.
Diana says
February 19, 2016 at 8:42 pmLoved this post – thank you! We decided to be open to children (completely, for as long as the Lord wills) about five years ago. It’s scary, but it’s also incredibly blessed. In our case, it was I who had to come around. My husband wanted to be open to children, but I was adamant that we needed to be DONE. Thankfully I was also a wimp about undergoing general anesthetic for female sterilization, and that gave me the time I needed to come around to owning the convictions that I secretly felt but wasn’t willing to follow through on. Now we’re on the same page, and as I said, it’s a very blessed place to be. We are open to God’s blessing of life, and we know that we’re no longer rejecting the Lord’s blessings by telling Him “No.” My only regret is all the years before our decision, when we were indeed willfully rejecting God’s blessing of life and telling Him that we knew better than He did.
Thanks for sharing!
Kristen Smith says
February 20, 2016 at 9:00 pmThank you for sharing how the Lord worked in your heart, Diana!
Kat B says
February 4, 2016 at 4:03 amMy husband and I just recently agreed to let the Lord take the lead with our babies.
We had always agreed on 3 and talk about 4. It took me about 6months to get pregnant with my 3rd after coming off of my first form BC ever (implant). This scared me to no end – I have plenty of friends who have been TTC longer but I have family history of women going thru the change by their mid 20s.
During the pregnancy my hubs kept saying we are done. I knew in my heart we weren’t. He did finally agree that we would have 1 more.
It still bothered me. I flat out told him no BC for me. I didn’t want any side effects in any way. Proven or not.
Then I kept getting this prompting that we weren’t going to be done with 4. That we shouldn’t be stopping ourselves so early on. I asked him to pray and ask if we are truly done after 4. I also asked him to ask about the BC.
Week later he begrudgingly agreed that the answer is we are NOT done after 4. In fact we don’t know how many we will have but we will not prevent in any way. What the lord chooses we will go with. These sweet spirits that I knew in the premortal world have chosen me and myw husband. When our family is complete we will know.
Kristen Smith says
February 4, 2016 at 6:22 pmThanks for sharing your heart and the process you and your husband have gone through. Enjoy your beautiful family and all the little ones the Lord sends you!
Julia says
January 26, 2016 at 12:03 amI just came across your post and was encouraged to read it. My husband and I have a similar story. We started off using barrier methods of birth control and then after our second child was born the Lord really started working on my heart concerning the use of any sort of birth control. It took a lot of studying and heart probing and prayer, but after two years we came to the conviction that we should stop using any sort of birth control. We now have 6 children, one was lost to miscarriage, ages 7 years to 3 months. Honestly, it’s been really hard at times, but I am so thankful for our little ones and have felt so much more peace then when we were trying to decided on our own whether or not we should have more children. I resonate with all that you said and I’m encouraged to find someone else in a similar place of life because we don’t personally know anyone who holds the same view and sometimes I feel very alone. Thank you for stepping out and sharing your story.
Kristen Smith says
January 26, 2016 at 10:39 pmYou’re welcome, Julia, and thank you for sharing how you’ve come to your current convictions, too!
Daisy says
November 13, 2015 at 5:09 pmI love your story and I love your attitude about it. Our story is almost a reverse of yours. After two natural children, we were planning a third and hopefully a fourth when we felt God saying “no” or at least “not this way”. While I am perfectly healthy and had easy pregnancies, we both felt God telling us the same thing AND had confirmation from other sources. We chose to stop having biological children and become foster parents. I, honestly, mourned the fact that I’d never bear my “own” child again. Then God showed me what an act of love it is to love another as mine. We have had several children pass through our home in the last few years and on who looks like he may stay. I wouldn’t trade my experience for anything in the world and I’m eager to see what God has next for our family. Apparently there’s more than one way to the large family I wanted! 😀
Kristen Smith says
November 13, 2015 at 9:44 pmFoster parenting is such a service of love and dedication! I truly admire those who are called to that very special role.
Tricia says
August 15, 2015 at 9:30 amMy husband and I started our marriage on the Pill at ages 20 & 21 and I was still in college. We didn’t know the Pill could cause us to loose a baby and when we found out we felt convicted to come off birth control and use NFP to prevent pregnancy. Well NFP worked for a month and we found out that we were expecting our first, in God’s perfect timing. After out son was born I still had the final full-time internship of my degree and our son had to attend daycare for 4 months while I finished. We decided NFP was too much work and we would just live happily married and allow God to bless us with children as He sees fit. My first is currently 2.5 and we now have a newborn and have adopted a 5 yr old from foster care that we’ve had for the past 2 yrs. Since our first son was 1 we have been a family of 7 with all the foster kids in our home. We gleaned a lot from the movie “Birth Control: How Did We Get Here”. Thank you for allowing God to plan your family!
Kristen Smith says
August 15, 2015 at 10:51 amThank you for sharing your shorty, Tricia! I’ve also watched that video and enjoyed the perspective quite a bit. You have my admiration for your work in the foster system! What a mission field!
Valerie says
June 11, 2015 at 8:35 amHi Kristen,
As a proud almost empty nest, Momma of 7 Blessings I resonate in similar accord with your story. I have walked the last 5 years of that journey with God as my husband, after Bill went home to be with the Lord. It has been an incredible adventure & not always easy. He never said it would be easy. But worth it? Indeed! May God continue to bless you in this journey. It is a rich & rewarding one. I am so glad to have found your blog. Shalom, Valerie
Kristen Smith says
June 11, 2015 at 9:00 amHi Valerie! I’m so glad you took a few moments to comment. Your words warmed my heart and were a blessing this morning. I’m glad you found my blog, too.
Kari says
June 4, 2015 at 7:53 pmThank you for your reply. I understand what your saying. That’s how I’ve felt God leading us also. It’s nice to see others that have been on the same journey as out family has been on. Thank you.
Kristen Smith says
June 4, 2015 at 8:28 pmYou’re very welcome, and thank you for sharing your thoughts, too!
Kari says
June 4, 2015 at 1:48 pmI am going through a similar journey myself. Went off the pill 10 months ago and started NFP. I have been reading my bible searching for anything that God says about having families and trusting him with it. It makes sense to me, trust God with your life, why not your family size. We have 3 children right now and hope that someday if God sees fit we’ll have more. What are your thoughts on doing NFP verses not practicing any kind of contraceptive?
Kristen Smith says
June 4, 2015 at 1:53 pmHi Kari!
You know, I’m not personally sure that I could say that a married couple should never try to prevent or postpone having children. I just think there are too many unique situations that require a lot of prayer and searching, like when there are serious medical conditions or even when a woman’s fertility returns within weeks after birth. It’s a tough area that I don’t really feel equipped to speak to in general, but I’d like to think that NFP could be practiced with the right heart. Kind of a fuzzy answer, I know, but there are just so many variables a couple might be facing that it’s hard to say anything more precise, I think. And of course, God has really taught me a lot in this area of children, and I’m open to being taught more here, too!
Kayla says
May 23, 2015 at 6:10 pmThank you so much for writing this. My husband and I have three little boys (3,2,1yrs) and we’re desiring a 4th. We lost a baby at the beginning of our marriage which lead us to search the scripture just like yall.
Your post of full of humility and obedience, and I’m thankful I have a place to send people to read when they look at us like we have two heads after we share of belief of God deciding our family size.
I pray for blessings over you and your precious family. May you have peace, patience and a gentle soft-spokenness!
Walk with the King,
Kayla
Kristen Smith says
May 23, 2015 at 6:14 pmThank you for your very gracious words, Kayla! And I hope you are blessed with a fourth little one in God’s perfect timing.