In the not-too-distant past, I set a horrible example for my children. In front of them all, I morphed into the proverbial tea kettle. I could feel motherhood’s little agitations getting to me, but I thought I had it under control. I knew I was tired after not sleeping well for a few nights, but it was nothing that a bit of coffee wouldn’t help. Then a child made a mistake, and I made a much bigger one. I completely lost my temper in a way that shocked even me, and my children all suffered because of it.
Sometimes anger gets the best of loving moms, doesn’t it?
The Spill and The Outburst
A full mug of coffee, freshly filled, was tipped over all of the lesson planning I was doing. New schoolbooks that I painstakingly chose were drenched with my coffee that I had yet to even taste. Little Miss H, nearing the age of two, wanted to be up on the table for some odd reason, and though I told her to get down, she managed to get up. A turn of the head, a tip of the mug, and hot coffee flooded open school books, plans, the table, and the floor.
My first thought was the cost of the books. I cleared one out of the biggest puddle. Then I wondered if she had burned herself at all, but I saw she had not. Then, this overwhelming anger came up, and I yelled. And I yelled. And, though there’s not an ounce in me that’s proud to admit it, I yelled more, and I yelled loudly.
“No! No! No! I told you no!”
I don’t remember the last time I yelled so loudly at a child. I knew right away that I could make the choice to stop, but I didn’t. In that moment, it felt like a relief to let the pressure off and release the steam. I knew I was wrong. I knew I would regret it. But I gave in anyhow. My other children were scared to see me so angry, and I eventually shut myself in the bathroom to get control of myself, and I stayed there a while.
When I came out, I had to look in the faces of these little people who look to me for everything: love, comfort, security. I knew that I violated all of those principles by my actions, and they were left scared, shaken, and crying. I finished cleaning up, surveying the damage and finding it not nearly as bad as I expected, and I called them to the couch.
I hugged the littlest who bore the brunt of my offense. I looked at them all in the eyes. I told them I was sorry. I did what I would never permit them to do, and I set a very foolish and bad example of how to handle anger. They quietly but sincerely told me it was okay, but the more I looked into their faces, the more I hoped I would never again have to come to them under such hurtful and humiliating circumstances.
Then I told them that we needed to pray, because not only had I offended them, I offended the Lord with my temper. With their little heads bowed, and mine as well, I started to pray, and could hardly begin. My throat was so tight with crying that I had to wait between sentences to relax it. A half-hearted apology takes little thought or reflection, but real repentance is a different tale.
I was a quieter, more thoughtful mother the rest of the day. I had to let my husband know what happened before he came home and apologize to him. My heart was broken the rest of the day as I remembered how I hurt my children with my angry actions, and I feared that my temper-driven display was forever stamped on their impressionable minds.
The Lesson
Then I had to remind myself that there is a redeeming factor in the whole experience. I never want to justify my failure and my sin, but I can look at them and know that in the end, my children saw something very real. They saw me fail miserably, horribly, and deeply. When I gathered them to the couch, they witnessed me repent fully, completely, and broken-heartedly. They saw the Gospel in action.
I never, ever want to sin against those precious treasures like that again, but I do find a small amount of comfort knowing that they have seen their mother at a very low point and watched her slowly and humbly climb back up again with sincere tears and true repentance. My hope is that our prayer together would have a greater impact on them than the failure that inspired it.
Fellow mommas, I want to encourage you with this story. I don’t share it to glamorize my failure or glorify my sin. Instead, I want to relate with you. Chances are, I’m not the only one who has failed my children, husband, and God by losing my temper with my children. I want to urge you that if it happens, when it happens, don’t let your children see you stay defeated or hear you justify your fall.
Take the opportunity to show them genuine repentance. Apologize to them, pray with them, and let them see your sincere sorrow over sin. Someday, when their own hearts are pricked by their own sin, perhaps they’ll remember the example of a mother who knows what it is to fail and be redeemed.
That’s my prayer, at least.
Dear friends, have you been there? Have your children seen you fail miserably, but repent sincerely?
Marie says
August 18, 2016 at 5:58 pmDear Kristen,
I’m a French mom of 2, very different lifestyle from yours but I’ve spent time on your blog and videos and find your writings interesting. There are some things I don’t relate to but I think you make very interesting points in motherhood. I’ve been struck on this particular article on how hard you are on yourself. Was it the only time you yelled at your kids, for you to feel so guilty about it? If it so, you must be a saint! I only have 2 kids yet but I’ve sure yelled more than once at them. Even without yelling, I’m at least once daily finding myself being a bit annoyed or losing patience when dealing with the kids. I’m trying hard to stay calm at all times but it’s still a weak point. I really like what you say about setting an example through our behavior. Yet cultivating guilt is also not good, we have to be good on ourselves, we’re doing our best aren’t we?
Kristen Smith says
August 18, 2016 at 6:42 pmHi Marie,
Thanks for your comment! No, this wasn’t the first time I had yelled at my little ones, but this time in particular, I was unfortunately very, very hard on a little person without a good cause. I can honestly say I was very wrong in my anger. So it wasn’t really guilt that was driving me to respond to my behavior, but conviction and repentance. I knew I was really out of line, and while I did feel guilty, I was more sorrowful. Being able to cry with them and apologize helped me find and accept their forgiveness, and also helped me bring closure to my failure. So yes, I do think we have to be careful as moms to not heap guilt up on ourselves (I wrote a bit about that here, if you haven’t read it), but we also have an opportunity to model apology and repentance when we’ve truly fallen short. I want them to be able to do that with one another and with me as they continue to grow! Does that help? I think all moms deal with staying calm when our children are testing our patience. 🙂
Karen Olson says
June 23, 2016 at 10:58 amYes, I also had occasional outbursts and felt so ashamed. I blew it as a mother many times. But being human we need to accept the fact that we are not perfect. We have to ask forgiveness and learn, if we can, to be better this day or the next. We will fail again. My husband and I were good parents – we loved our kids. We did the best we can but it wasn’t good enough. One of our adult kids told us she no longer wants us in her life. As elderly parents we are shattered – my husband used to have a twinkle in his eye – he no longer does. There are thousands of parents going through this now. The psychobabble out there IF you’re not the perfect parent or tell them what they want to hear, they will dump you. Our world is upside down. I pray for all the good, but not perfect, parents who I read about here. I don’t know how to prevent this for you. I pray this never happens to anyone but it does and it will. Our churches are not teaching the 10 commandments; they are not teaching God’s word about unfailing love. So many churches are simply social clubs that if you show up – good for you. I don’t know what will happen with us – we keep trying. We can only write – we are cut off the phone – the computer. Pray for us please – i sincerely pray for all of you!
Kristen Smith says
June 23, 2016 at 2:11 pmI’m so sorry, Karen. I’ve never walked this road. My oldest child is 11, and so I have yet to experience anything like this. I really can’t imagine the hurt your hearts must feel right now. I will absolutely pray for you and reconciliation with your children, and I hope that readers who come across this post will join me. Thank you for sharing your hurt here.
Mary says
March 21, 2015 at 12:13 pmI kinda got chills reading this…I could have written it. I hate yelling, I hate being impatient and I hate the guilty feeling afterwards, when I do it! Something I have learned about myself, when I am angry with my children it is nearly always because of something under the surface that doesn’t even pertain to them. Like you said- you were tired & low on sleep. For me (lately) it is a conflict between my husband & I that triggers the violence in me. Oh that I would run to my Savior and believe that He is All-Sufficient. He will heal & He will provide! Bless you for being vulnerable. I’m not sure I could be so brave as to put a moment of anger on the web for all the world to read! 😉
Kristen Smith says
March 22, 2015 at 11:13 pmHi Mary,
I’ll be honest, sometimes I reread this and I’m almost afraid to share it again. But I know that I’m not alone in having an outburst like this, and rather than hide it in shame, I do think we all benefit from being humbly honest about our failures. There’s a level of accountability, and as a whole, I think it’s too easy as a blogger to want to put only the happy stuff out there. But that’s me. 😉
You are so right about realizing that often we get upset with our children because of something else that doesn’t even pertain to them. I’ve unfortunately been guilty of that, as well. Motherhood is so good at refining us and showing us that we are very much a work in progress!
God bless you in your journey as a momma, Mary!
Jennifer Fountain says
November 15, 2013 at 10:39 pmThis is beautiful, Kristen! Thank you for sharing so humbly and with such great detail! It is so encouraging to both know that others make mistakes and that there can be good that comes out of our sin – God is in the business of redeeming us! Can’t wait to share this with my readers!
Kristen says
November 15, 2013 at 10:58 pmThank you, Jennifer!
It’s honestly still uncomfortable to think of how I acted that day, but I know God can more than make up for my mistakes. I sure hope to not make them over and over again, though.
Renee Barry says
November 14, 2013 at 12:43 pmMore then I can say. But God….
Thanks for the beautiful post. God bless you.
Kristen says
November 14, 2013 at 1:16 pmThanks for the encouraging words, Renee!
Amanda P. says
November 12, 2013 at 2:25 pmThank you so much for sharing this. I can completely relate…I fight the battle of losing my temper and this puts things into perspective. Your writings are very encouraging and a blessing to me.
Kristen says
November 12, 2013 at 2:32 pmThanks for leaving a comment, Amanda! I really think it helps us as moms to know that we aren’t alone in our failures and struggles.