Every single time a friend, family member, acquaintance, or stranger confesses that she is experiencing a miscarriage, my heart absolutely breaks.
I don’t have to know her to feel for her. I know her pain, or at least a part of it.
I want to pull her off to the side of that dark, rocky road and sit down with her while she cries. I want to hear her mourning heart work through the hard feelings of loss and grief. I want to give her a hug, a cup of tea, and a safe place to talk about the loss of her baby and all the dreams she held for that child.
And then, at the right time and when she wants to take a turn to listen, I want to share my heart with her.
To the Heartbroken Woman Walking Through Miscarriage,
I am sorry. I am so very sorry.
I know that your love for this child that you never were able to hold as a newborn was real, and is real. You had dreams for this baby, and with a miscarriage comes the death of these dreams. This is a heartbreaking loss.
Allow yourself the time you need to grieve your baby and the dreams you had for him or her. There is no deadline for you to reach and no finish line to cross. A mother’s love and a mother’s grief is deep and it is okay for you to feel both intensely right now.
Please be gentle on yourself while you mourn.
Be gentle on your physical body. Even if you were early on in your pregnancy, your body still needs time and grace to recover. You may be sore, fatigued, and achy.
If you’ve had previous children, you may be surprised to feel very postpartum. Try to remember that you have just gone through a type of a birth, though the ending is not what you had planned.
You need to rest, recover, and be cared for as much as possible. It is okay to ask for help.
My friend, be gentle on yourself.
You may struggle with feelings of guilt and blame. Those feelings may be so overwhelming at times that you believe them. Write them out, talk with someone who understands, pray through them. Just be sure you work through them somehow.
This is not your fault. You do not need to hang on to the guilt.
While your heart is so broken, grief may come in waves. It may be out of your mind and then suddenly rise up and seem to swallow you. You don’t have to hide your grief.
You may decide to tell many, or you may decide to tell few. You may share about your loss now or you may wait for another time. How you share about your miscarriage is your choice.
You might find that sympathy comes from unexpected people at unexpected times, and you will probably remember it the rest of your life.
You may also find that those you were counting on for support say the wrong thing. They may say nothing at all. When we don’t understand a loss or a hurt, we may forget to show care and sympathy.
I know that it hurts to feel that such a devastating loss is unimportant to someone else. My friend, they just don’t understand. Though it’s hard, try to forgive and give grace.
As you work through your grief, it may help you to memorialize your baby somehow. You might decide to do this now, or you might decide to do it later after the immense grief has subsided.
You can write a letter to your baby. Plant something in the baby’s memory. Find a special piece of jewelry. Buy a special blanket. Place something in your bedroom or home. Place a marker at a cemetery.
These things are not silly and can be extremely healing.
You may decide to name your baby, but it is okay if you can’t do that, especially right away.
Sometimes we forget that our husbands are grieving, too. The grief may be different for them, but it might be just as intense. Try to lean on each other.
Sweet momma, you do not have to walk this road alone. There are ministries and support groups dedicated to helping you as you mourn. If and when you share about your loss, you’ll find other women who have gone through miscarriage, too, and they understand.
Above all else, never forget that the Lord is close to those that are brokenhearted, and He will be faithful to mend your shattered heart. Let Him carry you and teach you through the valley.
My prayers and compassion are with you.
This is so beautifully written, it made me cry my heart out. I had a missed miscarriage 3 weeks ago and I am still waiting to miscarry. Everyday I tell myself that it was for the best, my baby is in a better place but it’s just so difficult when your body is not ready to forget and let go.
Hi Keerthana. I’m so sorry you’ve lost your baby and won’t get to meet him or her like you hoped. I’m glad this was able to help you, even in a small way. Healing from a miscarriage does take time, but it will happen. And there’s no need to rush the process. I’m praying for your comfort right now.
If you haven’t seen yet, I also have a post here on healing from miscarriage.
Thank you for this post. It is such a comfort and an encouragement! I am two weeks out from our second miscarriage. I was supposed to be 12 weeks along, but the baby stopped developing between 9-10 weeks. So many things tell you you’ll feel better within a day or two, or that you can return to normal activities after 24 hours. And yet, after surgery and clotting issues, I feel so weak! My body needs rest and fuel, still at 2 weeks out. I can’t imagine feeling normal the next day. I am trying to remember God’s grace in this process. Thank you for the sweet reminders!
I’m so sorry you’ve had these two miscarriages, Danielle. I don’t know how anyone could get back to regular life in a day or two! You are completely right that your body needs extra rest and nourishment right now. If you haven’t read it yet, I have a post on miscarriage recovery here. It covers food, herbs, and other helpful remedies. Praying for you right now, Danielle!
I was supposed to be 11 weeks pregnant. Instead we found our baby died around 9 weeks 5 days. One day she had a strong beautiful heartbeat of 181 and the next her heart stopped and she was gone. We didn’t find out till almost 2 weeks later. Today I’m lying in pain from surgery. We gave her a name. Piper Mackenzie. We hoped to have her ashes but received a call to find out it wasn’t possible. She was too small. My heart aches because I wanted some piece of her to Bury and gain some closure. I already feel rushed in mourning like I shouldn’t be. Like I should be picking myself up again and throw a smile on.
I’m so sorry, Melissa. The grieving process is unique. It can’t be rushed. You are going through physical and emotional trauma right now. It’s okay to acknowledge that and ask for the time to work through it. I’m sending you lots of love and praying for you now as you mourn the loss of Piper Mackenzie.
I’m currently on day five of miscarrying our sweet baby. The pain has been completely unexpected and horrible. We have four healthy children and never imagined we’d lose one. Especially not this one, so dear to us after not conceiving for three years. Thank you for your compassionate words. I struggle so with the senselessness of it all. I can find no good here. A friend announced her pregnancy on the same day we rushed to the ER for our loss. That has been incredibly difficult to bear as well.
I’m so sorry, dear Katie. I don’t have any words to help make sense of what’s happened. I pray your heart will mend in time after such a deep hurt.
Thank you for this…… God bless you and your family..
You’re so welcome, Charlotte. Though I’m also very sorry if you needed to read it for yourself. Miscarriage is a deep, devastating loss.
Hi Kristen. Thank you for making me realize that I don’t just miscarried but I gave birth too.. I just lost my baby boy James Gabriel this Friday(after seeing his heartbeat few hours ago) which made me so empty. This is my first baby and we’ve been praying for him for almost a year and the Lord gave us this blessing on our 3rd wedding Anniversary. Thank you Kristen for making this blog to lift up the hearts of those who mourns. Godbless you
Hello, Elana. I’m so sorry that you had to say goodbye to James. There’s nothing more I can say to help ease the pain, but remember that all the women who have experienced this loss know just what you’re going through. He will always hold a special place in your heart. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story and telling us about your son. Sending hugs.
I am in the midst of my second miscarriage since getting married in June 2017. My husband and I want children of our own so badly, and this has been an overwhelmingly difficult situation for the both of us. The grief we feel makes it hard to breathe, and the unanswered questions only make us angry and confused. I am very thankful for my husband and our families who have been so supportive. It can be frustrating when it seems that no-one knows what to say, because I crave the “right words” for comfort and healing. There are none – especially when those people have no experienced this type of loss. Our hearts are shattered in a million pieces, but we are leaning quite heavily on the Lord and trust in His plan for us. Though we do not, and never will understand, we work very hard on our faith, and we trust that one day we will be parents to a child on Earth, in addition to our two beautiful angels in heaven.
Thank you so much for this post. That comfort I craved was found to a certain degree in your words, and I will keep this page open on my computer to read as I need to.
I’m so sorry to hear of your second loss, Brittany. You’re right… there are no right words, and that’s hard for those who want to bring you comfort and for you, too. I’m humbled if my words can bring you a little bit of comfort as you heal. Sending hugs.
My heart so desperately needed to read this today. I am struggling with letting myself grieve the baby that we lost. My heart feels it so deeply, but sometimes I don’t feel justified grieving a baby I only knew about for a few days. Thank you for sharing ❤️
I’m so sorry, Hannah. You are absolutely justified to grieve for your baby and all the dreams that became so real to you as soon as you knew you were expected. Miscarriage is devastating. I pray your heart heals as time goes by.
Good evening, Ours is a different kind of loss. You see we are adoptive parents. We started this journey about 22 years ago. And our first adoption did NOT go according to our agency’s plan. The birth mom was not honest with her social worker. And after we had our precious gift for 5 months – we had to give her back! It was the hardest thing for our family to go through. It was so difficult for my husband and I! My heart hurt so bad. It hurt to breathe some days. BUT…..GOD MAKES ALL THINGS GOOD! He was right there holding us! Holding me!!! My wonderful husband said call the agency again, we can do this! And we did. 6 more times. Did we ever forget about Jensen?? No way! Lord Willing, she will be 22 this Oct 29th! 😁😊 Thank you Lord for always being there for us!
And you all have a blessed week.
I am 41yrs old and didn’t think I could get pregnant after not conceiving for nine years off birth control. I got my first positive pregnancy test ever in January. I saw my baby’s heart beating at six weeks on a trans-vaginal ultrasound. Then it wasn’t there the next week. I got a second opinion two days later and it still wasn’t there. I cried and leaned on my husband. We dealt with it. I wrote a poem and thought I had come to acceptance. I was scheduled for a D&C four days later (had to wait ovet the weekend), but miscarried naturally the day before the surgery was scheduled. It just happened last Sunday. It was horrible – I was NOT prepared for that. They told me it’s be like a bad period, but that was nothing like any period I’ve ever had. I had timed contractions that took my breath away with the pain. I passed so much blood and so many clots. I finally went to the ER and finally got some pain medicine. The next day I thought I was all better. I cleaned house and then got tired and went to bed for a nap; woke up with horrible cramps and bleeding again. The next day I tried to go back to work thinking surely it’s all done by now. I bled out all over the bathroom at work and had to call for help. I left in tears. I felt better that night so I showed up for work the next day, but started crying the moment the first person asked how I was doing. I ended up going home early and calling in today. The bleeding is subsiding, but the cramps hurt so bad – way worse than any period I’ve ever had. They are worst when I need to have a bowl movement – my muscles are just SO sore down there. I never dreamed it would hurt this bad for this long. I keep dreaming about newborn babies. I thought I had come to terms, I thought I was stronger than this. I don’t understand why I feel the way I do – I don’t even have words. Your article here is the best I have read so far. Thank you.
Dear Laura, I can’t begin to tell you how very sorry I am for your loss. Your story breaks my heart. I also had no idea how physically demanding the miscarriage process can be. My midwife was the one who told me that a miscarriage is a birth, and then I knew that I had to give myself lots of time to heal. I was only a short time along, too, but as you’ve sadly experienced, a miscarriage is often not just like a heavy period.
You are not weak for hurting, dear Laura. Your heart and body have gone through something deeply traumatic, and that takes time for healing. It is okay to grieve and mourn for this baby and feel like you just don’t have it together yet. I will pray for you tonight and ask the Lord to bind up your broken heart as only He can.
Some women do take a while to feel back to normal again, and if the miscarriage was more painful physically, the recovery may be longer, too. It may not be a bad idea to check in with your doctor or midwife if the pain continues. There are also very gentle exercises that can help strengthen the muscles in the pelvic floor, and those may be of help.
Hugs, friend.
Thank you Sister Kristen. Although I feel as though I’ve moved beyond the grieving of the miscarriage 2 months ago- my frustration lies in how postpartum I’ve felt at times-even tho I was only near 6 weeks along when I lost it.
I’m truly blessed and thankful to my dear friends who have been so sweet. My birthday was recently and they showered me so much with their love.
About 1 1/2 months after the miscarriage, I went up for prayer after a service, for healing of the hormone mood swings and the minister called his wife up, who had also experienced a miscarriage a few years ago, to help pray with me. When he called her, a dear friend also came forward to lay hands on me, as she too had had a miscarriage several years ago. It was such a fulfillment of the Word of God in feeling for others infirmities and made such a lasting impact on my soul. They had a real heart for my issue. =] Praise the Lord for healing me!
I love your testimony in the middle of a hard trial, Courtney! I do understand how strange it can be to feel like a postpartum woman after a miscarriage, even when the pregnancy was short. I pray God continues to give you the grace to overcome!
We experienced our first miscarriage last night. I’m drowning in grief, overwhelmed about how to tell those who knew we were pregnant, and how to be there for my husband while I myself am shattered. Thank you for this post.
Danielle, I am so terribly sorry that you are going through this very painful experience. I understand just what you mean when you say you are drowning in grief. My heart goes out to you and I prayed for you as soon as I read your comment. As I said in this post, be gentle with yourself and give yourself all the time you need to grieve and heal. It does get better, but you will always miss the little one you never got to hold. Many hugs to you, friend.
Last Feb I struggled through an Ectopic Pregnancy – if you’re unfamiliar, early on the embryo gets caught in a tube and can’t get out, so the pregnancy is considered failed, and intervention is taken before the tube bursts. Typical treatment involves intensive chemicals and/or surgery. The issues here are that it’s so early, nobody generally knows you’re pregnant. This was my case- most people didn’t know, and the ones that did were dismissive (“at least it happened early” and “you’ll be able to try again soon” – which isn’t the case as it takes 3 months for the chemicals to clear the body and for the dr. to OK future attempts), and the medicines made me so sick for about 2 months. Yet there wasn’t really a way to tell people what was wrong with me, and we were hurting/grieving without being able to say anything. I struggled to homeschool and care for my other 2 children, the house fell apart most weeks, my husband was making dinner nearly every night. It has taken us over 6 months to heal physically and mentally from the strain of this event.
It’s this experience that has made me EXTREMELY sensitive to other women – when I see women acting out of character (perhaps more withdrawn, angry, mean-tempered), my first thought now is whether or not they are experiencing a loss they cannot share. It’s really taught me the value of having grace towards other women, because we simply do NOT know what ppl are going through.
Thank you for these kind words, as they are a balm to me, and I so wish I would have been able to hear them in person from friends and family earlier this year.
Blessings…
I’ve never had an Ectopic Pregnancy, but I have heard from friends who had one and it was truly a hard experience. I’m sorry it happened to you, Julie. Miscarriage is a hard loss at any time, but when there are complications, it is so much harder. And I’m so sorry it was a lonely road for you. I do hope that your heart continues to heal, and if these words can play a part in that, I am thankful!
You have shared so much wisdom and grace in how you handle other women who are not being themselves. I will keep that in mind for myself, too.
Hugs to you, Julie.
I have went through five miscarriages. Each one is no less painful and I grieved for my babies. It is the hardest thing as a woman I have ever dealt with. However, I know it greatly grieved my husband also. Many times we think of the woman who is hurting but we forget about the father. My husband pointed this out the other day. That as a father who also loses his child, in a small way can he understands what grief our Heavenly Father went through when He lost his own child. I know that my heavenly father does have a plan for my children that I am not able to raise here. I know that I will be given the chance to hold them and see them when my time here is done. I am blessed to have two healthy boys that bring a ray of sunshine in my life when I needed them.
Such wise words, Tina. I’m so sorry that you and your husband have had to experience this hurt five times. Thank you for sharing your heart and perspective here. I believe it will be of help to someone else.
Thank you so much for sharing. I just miscarried with twins. My heart just aches for my babies. The pain is so deep for them. I know there will be a brighter light sometime in the future, but I never imagined how a miscarriage could hurt.
God bless you for this very sympathetic and empathetic letter. Truly heart felt.
Oh Amy, my heart breaks for you! Losing two at once… there truly are no words. Please take this all to heart and give yourself all the time you need to grieve. I will pray for you now as you mourn the loss of your babies.
I just suffered my second loss in May. It came after another miscarriage followed by 5 years of infertility. I am so broken. I am so angry at God. I definitely agree with the comment above that said not to say God has a plan or the timing just isn’t right. Even my counselor said those to me. This was a great post.
I’m so very, very sorry for your losses and also for the struggle with infertility. There really are never words to make it better or take the pain away. I’m glad that this post was of some comfort, and I will pray for you tonight. Hugs, Jessica.
Wow. Thank you so much for this. It just popped up on my facebook feed. I am currently recovering from surgery after a traumatic miscarriage experience. God has most definitely spoken to me through your words of compassion here. *Hugs*
I’m so very sorry for your loss, Lauren, and that it resulted in surgery! There is so much you must be feeling and thinking. If this was of help to you I am so thankful. I will pray for you today.
The question on Facebook that was asked was how one would support/comfort someone who has went through a miscarriage. I went through a miscarriage last Spring in my first trimester. I will say the biggest blessings during that time were cards people gave me with caring messages, prayers, and when people brought us food within the week after it happened. I would have never thought to take someone who has miscarried meals but it was so very helpful. For that whole week after my body felt drained and the thought of cooking was overwhelming. We didn’t even have children, it was just my husband and I so I can imagine that if the person had children in the home it would be an even bigger blessing. Just something to keep in mind when someone you love goes through a miscarriage. Also, I have to be honest, and I have heard others who have miscarried say this as well- please don’t make comments such as “God has a plan” after something like that happens. We know there is always a greater plan and time will heal and give perspective. In that moment though it hurts and doesn’t make sense why God allows someone to go through something like that. My heart goes out to all of you ladies who have experienced a miscarriage. Lots of hugs and comfort to you.
You’ve added such great insight, Crystal, and I completely agree with everything you said. I’m very sorry that you’ve experienced this painful loss as well, but it certainly sounds like you gained much wisdom through it.
I would like permission to print your page on miscarriage. Our mom group is putting together some gift baskets for those who who experience a miscarriage. I have had 2 myself and I love what you wrote. You would of course receive credit 😉 Thank you!
Hi Shannon! I would love for you to share this in your baskets! Please feel free. It makes my heart so happy to read that you are putting together baskets for those walking through miscarriage. What a kind and beautiful thing to do! God bless your efforts.