Every single time a friend, family member, acquaintance, or stranger confesses that she is experiencing a miscarriage, my heart absolutely breaks.
I don’t have to know her to feel for her. I know her pain, or at least a part of it.
I want to pull her off to the side of that dark, rocky road and sit down with her while she cries. I want to hear her mourning heart work through the hard feelings of loss and grief. I want to give her a hug, a cup of tea, and a safe place to talk about the loss of her baby and all the dreams she held for that child.
And then, at the right time and when she wants to take a turn to listen, I want to share my heart with her.
To the Heartbroken Woman Walking Through Miscarriage,
I am sorry. I am so very sorry.
I know that your love for this child that you never were able to hold as a newborn was real, and is real. You had dreams for this baby, and with a miscarriage comes the death of these dreams. This is a heartbreaking loss.
Allow yourself the time you need to grieve your baby and the dreams you had for him or her. There is no deadline for you to reach and no finish line to cross. A mother’s love and a mother’s grief is deep and it is okay for you to feel both intensely right now.
Please be gentle on yourself while you mourn.
Be gentle on your physical body. Even if you were early on in your pregnancy, your body still needs time and grace to recover. You may be sore, fatigued, and achy.
If you’ve had previous children, you may be surprised to feel very postpartum. Try to remember that you have just gone through a type of a birth, though the ending is not what you had planned.
You need to rest, recover, and be cared for as much as possible. It is okay to ask for help.
My friend, be gentle on yourself.
You may struggle with feelings of guilt and blame. Those feelings may be so overwhelming at times that you believe them. Write them out, talk with someone who understands, pray through them. Just be sure you work through them somehow.
This is not your fault. You do not need to hang on to the guilt.
While your heart is so broken, grief may come in waves. It may be out of your mind and then suddenly rise up and seem to swallow you. You don’t have to hide your grief.
You may decide to tell many, or you may decide to tell few. You may share about your loss now or you may wait for another time. How you share about your miscarriage is your choice.
You might find that sympathy comes from unexpected people at unexpected times, and you will probably remember it the rest of your life.
You may also find that those you were counting on for support say the wrong thing. They may say nothing at all. When we don’t understand a loss or a hurt, we may forget to show care and sympathy.
I know that it hurts to feel that such a devastating loss is unimportant to someone else. My friend, they just don’t understand. Though it’s hard, try to forgive and give grace.
As you work through your grief, it may help you to memorialize your baby somehow. You might decide to do this now, or you might decide to do it later after the immense grief has subsided.
You can write a letter to your baby. Plant something in the baby’s memory. Find a special piece of jewelry. Buy a special blanket. Place something in your bedroom or home. Place a marker at a cemetery.
These things are not silly and can be extremely healing.
You may decide to name your baby, but it is okay if you can’t do that, especially right away.
Sometimes we forget that our husbands are grieving, too. The grief may be different for them, but it might be just as intense. Try to lean on each other.
Sweet momma, you do not have to walk this road alone. There are ministries and support groups dedicated to helping you as you mourn. If and when you share about your loss, you’ll find other women who have gone through miscarriage, too, and they understand.
Above all else, never forget that the Lord is close to those that are brokenhearted, and He will be faithful to mend your shattered heart. Let Him carry you and teach you through the valley.
My prayers and compassion are with you.